The Verdict is Forgiveness

 

Photo: from Google

“God will judge the adulterer and the sexually immoral… you whore and murderer. You will suffer.”

“The wages of sin is death… and you shall die a horrible death. In this life and in the next.”

“It will be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrah on the day of judgement than for you… your judgement is here. You shall burn in the everlasting flames.”

Chibusonma tossed in her sleep as the words, which felt like flaming coals, were thrown at her. She couldn’t see the face of the person accusing her, but she felt the pain and the punishment. And she definitely knew who accused her. She was in a courtroom, filled with flickering lights. She stood in the accused stand as a faceless judge passed judgment on her. She didn’t flinch because she felt she deserved the punishment. Of course the wages of sin is death. She would burn in hell for all her atrocities. Even though her subconscious had accepted that she was guilty and she deserved whatever verdict the faceless judge passed, her physical body thrashed and thrashed on her bed. She was sweating and she needed to hold on to something. Or someone. Her bedsheets and duvet couldn’t give her the comfort she needed. She needed to breathe well. She needed to live again before she would be cast into the fires of hades. She needed a little bit of peace. She needed…

“Noooooooooo!” Sonma screamed as she broke free from her dream or nightmare as it felt to her. “Jesus!” she placed her right palm on her chest to steady her frantic heart. Her heart that felt like it would jump out of its ribcage at the moment. Wiping the sweat from her forehead with her left palm, she swallowed hard. Then she began to weep. She wept for a very long time, then took out her bible from the dresser beside her bed. Wiping away her tears, she opened the bible to all the places the accuser had said in her dream;

Hebrews 13:14

Romans 6: 23

Matt 11:24

She understood her dream perfectly. She had judged herself. She felt too dirty to even call on God’s name. And because of how impure she felt, she had shot God out of her life. She avoided prayers and had stopped going to church. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to pray or go to church, it was just that she felt unworthy. She cried more and pleaded to God to forgive her for her sins, if he could. After much thought, she resolved to see Father Jude, an elderly priest in her church, who was also a psychologist. It would be better to seek spiritual counselling from a professional. Since it was a Saturday, she hoped he’d be available.

She managed to get a few hours sleep. Her alarm woke her at about 6am. Turning it off, she said a little prayer, something she hadn’t done in a long while. After her prayers, she cleaned up her one bedroom apartment, made breakfast then decided to call Father Jude on the phone. It was about 8am. The morning Mass would be over already. He picked after the first ring.

“Sonma, it is so good to hear from you,” Father Jude said, as soon as he picked the call.

“Good morning Padre,” Sonma smiled wryly. She liked to call him Padre, Father in Spanish.

“It’s been a while. I have tried reaching you on the phone,” Father Jude continued, “I subconsciously search for you in church after Mass on Sundays, but I never see you. Last time I saw you was over 6 months ago.”

“Padre, it’s a long story,” Sonma said, swallowing her tears. “If you’re free Padre, I would like to see you. Make a confession and seek your counselling.”

“I’m free from 11am today. You can come to the parish office.”

“Thank you Padre.” She hung up. She must be really lucky to be able to see him this soon.

About three hours later, Sonma made her way to St. Gerald’s Catholic Church. She walked to the parish office and found Father Jude’s assistant at her desk. Normally, she shouldn’t be there on a Saturday. Maybe she had to come in for something.  She spoke to the assistant about her appointment with Father Jude. The assistant let her into his office.

After she and Father Jude exchanged a few pleasantries, she brought up the reason she had come.

“I have been having dreams, Padre,” she began, “or nightmares. About someone accusing me in a courtroom and a judge condemning me. Sometimes the dream ends in the courtroom, other times I see myself thrown into a pit of fire. Something my mind conjured as hellfire and I’m in excruciating pain.” She sobbed. “I don’t believe God will forgive me for what I did.”

Father Jude spoke with a calm and understanding voice, “what did you do Chibusonma, that you think God will not forgive you? Proverbs 3:5-6 tells us to trust in the Lord our God and never lean on our own understanding. What you’re doing now is leaning on your own understanding.”

“But Padre, even the same bible says the wages of sin is death. Eternal damnation.”

Father Jude smiled, “And St. Paul still went on to say in that same verse that the gift of God is eternal life in Christ, which you have the liberty of as a Christian.”

“I have sinned gravely, Padre. God must look at me as a piece of dirt.”

“Jesus said in Luke 6:37, ‘do not judge nor condemn others. Forgive and be forgiven.’ I believe this also applies to ourselves. Why condemn yourself when Jesus hasn’t condemned you? If you can’t forgive yourself, you won’t have the grace to ask God to forgive you. I’ll give you another bible verse,” Father Jude said, flipping the pages of his bible on his desk. “I read from John 3:16-17… ‘for God loved the world so much that he gave his only begotten Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to be its judge, but to be its savior.’”

 Closing the bible, he continued, “Sonma, God loves you, no matter what you did. And he sent his Son to die for you. So that you will not perish, but have eternal life. Tell me, why do you judge yourself so much?”

“Padre,” Sonma’s cheeks were wet with tears. She decided to make her confession and empty her conscience. “I’d like to make my confession now.”

Taking the purple stole he had folded on his desk, he wore it round his neck. Making the sign of the cross, he bade her to begin.

 “Bless me father for I have sinned. It’s been over a year since my last confession. I had an affair with a married man. I knew he was married, I didn’t care. The affair lasted for about three months, after which I found out I was pregnant. He didn’t want the child, obviously, so he said I should have an abortion. I didn’t want to, but I didn’t think I had a choice. I was desperate and I felt alone. I couldn’t take care of a child. I wasn’t ready for the ridicule that came with being a single mum, so I did it. I had an abortion. I killed my own child. I kept lying to my mum that I was sick. I lied to everyone about my whereabouts for a long time. Then I sank into depression. I’m sorry, for these sins and those I can’t remember, I ask for your pardon and peace.”

“St. Paul told us in Ephesians 2:8, that by grace we have been saved through faith, which is a gift from God. Do you have faith, Sonma?” Father Jude asked her.

“Yes I do.”

“Good. Chibusonma, your name means God is beautiful or good, right?”

“Yes, Father Jude.”

“And you believe he is good. Matthew 7:7 says, ‘ask and you will receive. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.’ Sonma, at the moment you have asked for God’s forgiveness and I tell you today that because you sought for him, you sought for peace and you asked him, he has forgiven you. He will always forgive us, as long as we come to him with a contrite heart. I know you feel bad, especially because of the abortion, but God has forgiven you.”

Sonma blew her nose with the handkerchief in her hand. “I feel the accuser in my dreams was my aborted baby. He or she didn’t deserve what I did.”

“Can you forgive yourself, even as you have asked God to forgive you?”

“I’m trying Padre, I am, but the nightmares come every night and I’m reminded of my sins.”

“Do you still speak to this married man?” Father Jude asked her.

“No, Padre. I cut ties with him. I cut ties with a lot of people over the past six months.”

“Well, it is good that you are keeping your distance from this man. I’ll implore that you keep doing so. But, for your friends who truly care about you, you shouldn’t shut them out of your life, my dear.”

“It was easier to, Padre. I didn’t have to keep lying to them. I couldn’t tell them what I had done. I felt completely ashamed.”

“I understand. I think you are really hurt and it’s only if you let God in that you can completely heal. I’m only his instrument, I can’t heal you. I can only help you. We will continue your therapy sessions. Maybe twice a week, if you have the time, until you can fully trust and love yourself again.”

“Yes, Padre. I have time. I have been working remotely. I’d appreciate the counselling.”

“Just know that if you have faith as big as a mustard seed, as Jesus said in Matthew 17:20, you can command a mountain to move and it will. In this case, the mountain is the guilt and self loathing you feel. If you believe that God will heal you, he will.”

“I believe Padre, I believe,” Sonma had stopped sobbing. She was beginning to get a little bit of peace. The peace she needed. The forgiveness she needed. “Without faith, no one can please God. That’s from somewhere in Hebrews. I have faith. I believe that he is and I will continue to try my best to stay away from sin.”

“That is very good, my dear child. Now, for your penance, say 20 decades of the rosary and read Psalm 51. Ask God for the grace to stay away from sin and the grace to forgive yourself.”

“Thank you Padre.”

“Say your Act of Contrition as I give you the absolution.”

Sonma recited the Act of Contrition and listened as Father Jude prayed for her. She felt weightless, like a huge burden was lifted from her shoulders. For the first time in ages, she smiled from her heart. She was at peace. She had judged and convicted herself for so long, when she could have easily sought God and asked for his forgiveness. She was a sinner, she knew, but from this her twenty-eighth year, she will never give up the fight for eternal life because Christ had already paid for her sins by dying for her. She would continue to run the race and whenever she falls, she will go back to God and seek his grace again. Because his grace is sufficient for her.

 Leaving the parish office, she decided to go into the church building to say her penance and commune with God. It was long overdue. She finally got her verdict. The decision reached by God who is the supreme judge is that she’s forgiven. Her verdict is forgiveness.